Whiskey

I have come to the conclusion that my whiskey drinking is potentially worse than my previous Skoal habit, given the fact that I cannot remember the last year's worth of weekends.

While I won't quit, I think I will switch to Vodka or something for the time being. I was thinking Grey Goose and soda water? Sounds good enough; probably less unhealthy too. So for now, I bid farewell to the regularity of Jameson, seeing that the drink itself is now formally a trait that others think of when they think of me.

Maybe time for a top five best and worst drinks I've ever had?

Top 5 Best Drinks
1. Jameson - goodbye
2. Guinness - tasty at all times. Does weird things to you the morning after though
3. Red Stripe - certainly doesn't help my dancing skills, but good nonetheless
4. Car bomb - seeing that my first two items on the list are ingredients, this must be up there as well
5. PBR - don't hate, appreciate

Top 5 Worst Drinks
1. Prairie Fire - Many variations, but the one that hurt me most consisted of grain alcohol, tabasco, and pepper. Also awful with 151....
2. Natural Ice - Brutal taste, no satisfaction in drinking this beer
3. Cement Mixer - two words: Curdled Milk
4. Moonshine - no idea how I ever stomached West Virginia moonshine regularly in college
5. Cuervo - used to love it, but my taste buds now reject it

Space Dip

Space shuttle Discovery and its crew landed at 3:14 p.m. EDT Saturday at NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Florida, completing a 13-day journey of more than 5.3 million miles....(more)

Is it bad that I immediately associate a space shuttle landing with a catastrophic disaster? Well either way, a successful landing is good for mankind and space travel.

I see space as this big void that has not been deflowered by the human race yet. There have been no murders in space, no stealing in space, etc etc etc. I doubt that astronauts have smoked cigarettes in space due to the fact that it would probably f*ck up their air filtration system or something. Dipping would be a disaster in space with no gravity. Can you imagine your spitter emptying out into the air and contaminating everything in sight? Possibly the worst thing ever. I do bet that an astronaut has beat it in space though. Wouldn't you? What a great story to tell your friends.

This is actually interesting and quasi-perverted:

Which raises the question: Would space sex be any good? Recent research suggests it would not. For one thing, zero gravity can induce nausea—a less-than-promising sign for would-be lovers. Astronauts also perspire a lot in flight, meaning sex without gravity would likely be hot, wet, and surrounded by small droplets of sweat. In addition, people normally experience lower blood pressure in space, which means reduced blood flow, which means … well, you know what that means....more

Fit vs Fat

Age combined with metabolism sucks. I am pretty sure my metabolism is growing exponentially while my age is linear...not grossly out of shape by any means as I'm still active, but I'm afraid the phrase "defined abs" is now dead to me. That is, unless you want to utilize the simile "like a bowler's abs" to define them as my friends so kindly do on a regular basis.

I really used to think that tobacco suppressed your appetite or had some kind of offsetting, non-negative quality as it deterred you from chowing down whatever garbage might be in front of you. Looking back, that is really not the case obviously. Sorry, had to tie chew into this posting somehow...

I play in a men's soccer league and running sprints at practice is nothing like it used to be. My legs are jello after a few runs, and my lower back feels like someone hit me with a pickup truck. I am going to try to drop 10 lbs this month somehow, but not in a model, splurge and purge, starve yourself way. Maybe better eating and tons of exercise? I'll try, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

I think the big problem is beer.

Worst idea ever - Work

It seems that there was debate in the 1930's as to what a work week should be defined as. The original plan was to go with a 32 hour work week (four days), but instead it was decided to go with a 40 hour work week since most other developed countries did. Awful decision. I really feel for those who have children in all of this. Work five days, spend quality time with your kids for two days. Maybe less because you have to mow the lawn or do man stuff. I am sure that some people would kill for five day work weeks, like small business owners. Fock! Really preaching to the choir here.

I used to think that making it big time happened one of three ways (excluding the lottery)

1. Some great invention (silent velcro maybe?)
2. Pro athlete (dream over many many years ago)
3. Work yer ass off for 20 years and become the top dawg at a place of business

One and two are awesome. Three is looking like the only way out. So sad. Once again, the choir...

I still have hope for an invention. Possibly the worst invention yet? Helicopter ejection seat! It blows up the blades and sends the pilot flying through the air unharmed. Foolproof, right? Check it out

Shitty ejection seat aside (which I am thoroughly disappointed they didn't show), this thing is pretty badass.

Student suspended for passing gas on bus

LAKELAND, Fla. - An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas.

The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus on March 16 to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day....(more)

Difficult to breathe. Oh man, that is so great to read.....and the kid denied it! If you get in trouble for it, you may as well own up to it. It would make for a great story in college or after.

Farting is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is so satisfying to bore a hole in your underpants when you wake up in the morning. On the other hand, that could possibly be the most awful thing in the world when you realized some chick is next to you from the night prior. Try thinking of something to say to her when that happens.

Confucius say, Man who fart in church must sit in his own pew.

Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

Web theft

Having no internet really blows. I've been jacking other people's wireless connections for years now and it looks like my luck has finally run out. I will now be forced to pay 62 bucks a month...bummer.

I went on this website that smokeless tobacco visitors frequently visit and hit up one of their chatrooms to see what kind of heads I was dealing with. Pretty intense. They have a daily roll call on their message board that they post on every single day. They must be taking this harder than I am. I just whipped off seven straight hours of studying and did not even think of packing a lipper. Given that I am running out of tobacco related material to write about, I may have to change the direction of this blog soon so I can write about other stuff. Otherwise it is going to suck even worse than it does currently.

I'm a little disappointed with this year's March Madness. We only have one real upset in Cleveland State of Wake Forest. Pretty sure we all had the foresight to know that WKU would pick off Illinois, so I don't count that one. Same with Zona. Any team that has made the tourney a quarter century in a row should be expected to win their first round game, no matter what seed they are. Poor Utah really got hosed on that matchup. My Maryland team lost. I didn't really expect anything different against Memphis, but they could have put up a better fight at least. Pretty sure Greivis Vasquez must know he is a donkey for talking smack before the game. What an idiot. He single handely saves the season and then tears it to shreds once they are in a good spot. At least we have some strong matchups to look forward to in the later rounds; no cinderella stories this year though.

Peas and carrots. +

Best day of the year

Today is better than Christmas and my birthday combined. Day one (not counting the play-in game) of March Madness. Sixteen games today and sixteen more tomorrow. Perusing internet scoreboards like mad and checking your brackets. Too bad I had to work all day and miss the fun.

I wonder what kind of efficiencies companies lose on the first couple days of March Madness with 90% of their staff paying more attention to the Yahoo scoreboard?

I would have to say I am quite happy with the Maryland win and really do think they have a chance to get by Memphis.

If not, then I will sink into depression for 12-15 hours and dream of the possibilities of an inconsistent season next year....


I did play golf actually last weekend. Not much to report on the dip front. No seizures, shakes, killings, bad reactions at all. Of course, no one around me was doing it. Not like I am looking for any excitement on that front, but it would be nice to have something else to write about.

Catcher wearing mouthpiece to relax jaw, prevent habit's return

Russell Martin isn't champing at the bit. He's champing at his new mouthpiece.

With the circus surrounding Manny Ramirez's scheduled -- but scratched -- first game, Martin flew back from his World Baseball Classic engagement for Team Canada under the radar and jumped right back into the lineup for Thursday's exhibition against Team Korea.

Martin went 0-for-2 and scored a run in the game, his first with the specially fitted mouthpiece he hopes will serve a dual purpose -- to help him quit using smokeless tobacco and to relax his jaw.....(more)

This reeks of desperation Russell. You are really searching for answers. I can't even imagine being in the major leagues and quitting baseball. You may as well quit baseball all together.

Let us take a moment and pay tribute to a real ballplayer:



In other news, I had off work today and watched ESPN First Take. Skip Bayless is a major d-bag. He went on a five minute rant about how much soccer sucks and nearly put me in cardiac arrest with his dumbass comments.

You took my eight....

That is what some jackass Indian dude said to me on the blackjack table after I hit on fourteen and busted. I didn't really mind until he looked at me and said it again and then I proceeded to ask him who he was (that is the G-rated version of my conversation). To be honest, unless I am playing at a table with my buddies, I don't really care how the other players fare. Maybe that is bad etiquette, but I am certainly not going to help some dude who is acting like a dick.

The most important part of the bachelor party weekend (not my bachelor party) was that among masses of dudes dipping, I did not take part. Tins everywhere staring me in the face, but no problems at all.

“People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates - hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar.”

Very true. I also note that no matter what, one of your buddies will bitch about how they lost so much money and that they feel nauseous about it. Granted you should expect that going into a casino, you will probably drop some serious cash. Still though, losing dough is no fun. Good thing I walked out with a nice payoff!

March Madness

If there was one sporting extravaganza that promoted blowing through multiple tins of chew, then it would be March Madness. There are so many games and it is extremely stressful if your favorite team is constantly on the bubble year after year. That would be the Maryland Terrapins, undoubtedly the most frustrating team to be a fan of since 2002. Ever since that year when they won it all, they have languished just above mediocrity, making the tourney only once in the last four years.

They are playing Wake Forest right now, a game that they can't lose if they want to be a part of March Madness. If I hadn't quit chewing, then I would have gone through a tin in just the first half.

Speaking of sports, golf season will be here once a few more degrees are added to the thermometer. That will truly be a big challenge to continue to stay tobacco free, but I think I'll be ok. Well actually, maybe it will be harder than I am thinking, seeing that I am incredibly average on the course, which typically leads to more than a few angry moments. Hopefully I don't start smoking crack on the course to cope. I'll bring you through a typical hole so you can see what I'll be dealing with:

Tee shot. Pull three wood out of bag know that if I hit driver, I will slice it into the woods. Proceed to slice three wood into the woods.

Walk to woods cursing. Miraculously find ball and decide to punch out into fairway. Punch over fairway into rough.

Third shot, about 210 yards from the green. Four iron. Catch it thin and slice it into woods. Walk to woods cursing.

Able to pitch onto the green, but can't get within thirty feet of the hole.

Three putt. Triple bogey. I will then think to myself, "F my life dude. Maybe I should throw a dip in. All my buddies are doing it. Maybe it will curb my anger. No wait, can't do that. You quit remember? Your blog would be obsolete if you put a dip in. Shit, you're right dude."

Repeat above process for eighteen holes. Whoa, maybe this will suck!

Ex-prison guard sentenced for selling smokeless tobacco to inmate

CLARKSBURG, W.Va. -- A former guard who sold smokeless tobacco to an inmate at a federal prison in Preston County has been sentenced to five months in prison.

U.S. Attorney Sharon Potter says 34-year-old Robert D. Snyder of Oakland, Md., will spend five months on home detention and three years on supervised release after he is released from prison.

Snyder pleaded guilty in October to one count of bribery. He admitted he accepted cash from an inmate in exchange for the contraband.

U.S. District Judge Irene M. Keeley sentenced Snyder on Tuesday. (article)

I guess I had the wrong idea about prison. Especially prisons in West Virginia. Don't people shank each other, sell all kinds of goods, and get away with it in prison? Something seems a bit fishy here given how minor of an offense this is. Old Bob Snyder must have been a real prick for someone to want to punish him on this one.

Drive-by Spittings

Has it ever happened that you are standing or walking on the road and all of a sudden a splash of saliva has hit you? If it has, then you can proudly say you are in India.

Reckless spitting in public places is a very common practice in India. A large section of the population is addicted to chewing tobacco and paan and the affliction is more acute in the Northeast. There is no problem in people chewing betelnuts, locally known as tamul. It is the associated spitting in public with gay abandon that raises a question of hygiene....more

I have learned a couple things from this article. First, these callous, free-spitting Indians need their asses kicked. I can't even imagine getting spit on by some Indian dude with a hog in his mouth. I would flip out. Do these spitters apologize to their victims? Since this article does not mention these spitters getting punched in the head, I am going to assume that Indians are also passive and far too diplomatic. Maybe it is seen as an inconvenience to get spit on rather than a means for giving someone the Waterboy treatment through a wall.

Second, I believe we just located the worst job on Earth. He who cleans ye public spitoons has poor workforce skills and thus must settle for emptying gobs of thick, brown awfulness.

Skoal Perdition Mailbag

As you can tell, sometimes there is just nothing to write about when you have a blog solely dedicated to one thing that is really not that interesting to most people. For this reason, I have decided to take a few questions from my readers to get everyone involved in the quitting process that has been NFP up til now.

Reader 1 (Pittsburgh, PA) - Is it normal for Skoal to make you nauseous?

S.P. - Yes, it is absolutely normal. I went through this thing in college where I would get sick every time I put a dip in after I ate. If you get hammered, then dip will give you the spins and you will vomit on your floor. I also did that (after eating two packs of ramen noodles).

Reader 2 (Lancaster, PA) - What do you think is better: Getting a professional massage or throwing in a lip and taking a dump?

S.P. - I've never been a big fan of massages. Not the legal kind anyway. Assuming that you are speaking of a legal massage, I will choose the dump any day. For you readers who are not tobacco educated, dip is as powerful as four coffees, a liter of prune juice, and ex lax all packed into one little tin. Therefore, it is not so much the will to dump, but more the relief after the dip induces you to nearly incinerate your underwear.

Reader 3 (Tampa, FL) - I bought my grandmother a tin of Skoal for her birthday and I think she is mad at me? What is her deal?

S.P. - I really don't think that was a very thoughtful present. Really, what were you thinking? She's your grandmother dude. Grandmothers don't typically dip right?

Reader 4 (Boston, MA) - What is your problem...we used to dip together all the time and now you have quit? You are a lameass dude.

S.P. - Thank you for the support. I am going to pour a tin down your throat when you pass out this weekend.

Well that is all today. If you have something for the Skoal Perdition mailbag, I'd be glad to answer it.

Wanna drink some blood....err have a dip?

So apparently the word Skoal comes from Norway and loosely translates to drinking from the skulls of defeated enemies and toasting your friends. It also originates from the English word skull.

Besides being the name of a product that most likely will have caused me massive unforeseen health problems, nowadays it also translates roughly to cheers, as in toasting someone. I wonder if Zane Lamprey from Three Sheets will use this if he does a show in Norway. Most likely.

If you were to look up the word dip, the definition makes a dipper sound more comparable to a heroin addict:

To consume snuff by placing a pinch behind the lip or under the tongue so that the active chemical constituents of the snuff may be absorbed into the system for their narcotic effect.

Somehow, reading that does remind me of what it is like to throw a hog in though. Powerful verbiage right there.

This dude is laughing death in the face

Well, he isn't laughing actually. He looks so serious that I can't even picture him laughing. I can picture him puking though. Maybe worse - the gag reflex dip swallow. Gross.

50 Days

I have officially made it 50 whole days. That is awesome and surprising considering how addicted I was. Still no cravings. I'd have to think that at this point, I really won't be getting them. Given the awfulness of the last two months, if I didn't break down then, then it is going to take something real bad for me to relapse.

Speaking of relapsing, one of the hosts of the show Intervention just relapsed. I wonder if they'll do an episode of him?

In honor of day fifty, here are some of the better (and worse) things that we can liken to the nice round number:

1. 50 cent. Curtis Jackson is no doubt a thug, but I don't mind him. Granted if I one day have a daughter, I will lay down the "Stay the hell away from 50 cent rule", but other than that, I find him amusing. My buddy gave him his first Vitamin Water. Soon afterwards, he bought a big portion of the company. No joke.

2. The United States. We have 50 states, unless you do not want to recognize some of the less relevant ones. Texas, Jersey, middle America, etc.

3. Michael Jackson. He is currently fifty and just as freaky looking as he's ever been. Still though, his old jams were the tits.

4. 50 is the atomic number of tin. Awesome.

5. There is a cool Canadian beer named 50 Ale. Labatt brews it. Labatt is quality.

6. In 50 AD, the Romans learned about the use of soap. This leads me to believe that at any point in time before this, Rome smelled like garbage.

7. The moon is 50 times smaller than Earth. You can probably jump 50 times higher on it too?

8. Probably the oldest chick I'd consider hanging up. She would have to be a major hottie with minimal gravity damage though.

9. The word INFINITY - its letters add up to 50: 9+5+6+9+5+9+2+5. An infinite characteristic of a finite number. Think about that and your brain will explode.

10. Drinks I had this weekend. My liver is now working at a 50% capacity.