First Rats, Now Pigs

Swine flu is upon us. Two immediate thoughts come to mind.

1. Mexico sucks. They are a bad neighbor.
2. Welcome to the Middle Ages, part deux.

Let me explain. Well part one does not need explaining. If I were the typical numbnut American, I would blurt out something like, "God darn Mexican'ts. First they steal our jobs, then they infect our damn bacon." But I'm not. Moving on to point two.

If rats were the stars of the bubonic plague, then pigs won best supporting actresses. It is a little known fact that pigs also transmitted the disease, which infected those people who ate them. I'm not kidding. Also, did you know that swine flu also broke out into a worldwide epidemic in 1918? Did you know it killed 50-100 million people? That is insane!!! Why did I never learn this in grade school? I'd say that is pretty major. Actually, I think it was more of an Avian flu that killed swine and humans, but still! Shit I think back in year 200 something there was also another swine disease. Of course, back then a cold would kill you.

World Health Organization is about to categorize it as a pandemic. When will escaping to space be an option? If I was dying of swine flu, would I dip. You bet your ass I would.

By the way, Miss Piggy is annoying and fat.

Missing Author Found

I'm back from the depths of corporate America. So busy I couldn't even celebrate a milestone, let alone recognize it on the day.

So with that, we celebrate 100 days of not using chewing tobacco. To memorialize, let's look at the number 100 and it's significance.

* Best piece of US currency around, but the hardest to break.
* In the year 100 AD Buddhist texts were translated into Chinese. Cool.
* 10^2
* 100 degrees celcius is the boiling point of water. Hot.
* For every 100 US adults, one is behind bars. Crazy.
* 100 raging tigers are more dangerous than one.
* Wilt Chamberlain. Sick.
* If you are right 100% of the time, you are smart as fock.
* Atomic number of Fermium. Wtf is fermium?
* Dial 100 in India and you get the five-o
* The Hundred Years War must have sucked.

100 days

100 days. Celebrate. Everyone. Now. More later when I have a chance to breathe.

Bladder pain

In the car driving hours to the armpit state. My bladder is going to burst. It really sucks. Having to go to the bathroom can really inhibit life sometimes. Typing in the car blows.

Local Politician Discriminates Against Gay Jungle Animal

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish politician has criticized his local zoo for acquiring a "gay" elephant named Ninio who prefers male companions and will probably not procreate, local media reported Friday.

"We didn't pay 37 million zlotys ($11 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there," Michal Grzes, a conservative councilor in the city of Poznan in western Poland, was quoted as saying.

"We were supposed to have a herd, but as Ninio prefers male friends over females how will he produce offspring?" said Grzes, who is from the right-wing opposition Law and Justice party.

The head of the Poznan zoo said 10-year-old Ninio may be too young to decide whether he prefers males or females as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14.

What a very confused elephant. He's essentially like some kid in middle school who can't stop staring at weiners in the shower even though he knows it's wrong. Unlike a schoolboy though, this animal is equipped to do some damage.

In the dip department, three round of golf down, no dips, and creeping up to 100 days. Cool stuff.

Weird French Humor

I really don't know what to think about that video. French people are weird. How did she not see that creepy ass head on top of the toilet? Has to be fake. He looks like the Grim Reaper in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Anyways.

Speaking of Grim Reaper, getting older sucks. Before you know it, people working for you were in high school when you graduated college and everything in life is on a countdown timer. Buying a house, getting married, having kids. Not that I have done any of those, but it seems to be on the mind more and more. I've never been a loner, but I have always had some weird sense of independence, moving to new places and doing things myself. Looks like I will have to give at least some of that up if I really want to pursue the American dream! Speaking of which, I don't think our generation really has an American dream. The only thing we look for is fun, which I think is pretty awesome. Sure, some people take it to an extreme level and are detrimental so society, so moderation is important. But as someone told me not too long ago - everything should be done in moderation, even moderation.

Skoal Perdition Mailbag #2

I have had a nice backlog of reader email asking for another version of the mailbag, so here goes..

From Crofton, MD: Will dipping make me better at sports?
SP: Yes and no. If the sport does not require running or moving your body fast, then it will probably help. It will make you concentrate more and make you more badass than your opponent. If it is a running sport, then it will make you worse because you will get sick quickly.

From Wheeling, WV: Dear Skoal Perdition, your website is weak and so are you. Grow balls.
SP: Well that is not nice. Yes, my website is a little weak and could probably be more entertaining, but I am not jobless like yourself with all the time in the world to blog and beat it on an hourly basis. Go Mountaineers!

From Grand Rapids, MI: You are an inspiration to us all and we will erect a statue in your name.
SP: Hehe...you said erect. I have no idea who you are and how you found me, but I like you man.

Santa Monica, CA: Wait dude......U are not drinking whiskey or dipping? R U giving up on being heterosexual 2? At least wait until U have kids.....
SP: If I were to continue on this warpath, the only woman I could have kids with is the type you don't want to bring home to mom and dad. More like the one you bring to the local jail. You know how I know you're gay? You use letters and numbers in the place of actual words.

That's all for this edition. I can see that readers are more salty this time around, but nonetheless, they are readers. In the words of Jon Stewart, until next time, here is your moment of zen: