That's all folks

Just so you don't come back looking for more, this site won't be updated, barring a tobacco relapse, which just won't happen. It's over, I kicked the habit. The site was a huge help.

So, that being said, if you care to read through the chronicles of this chapter in my life, please feel free to and enjoy/leave comments.

In the meantime, visit my other site www.jockjoose.com

Cool like a rasta sunset.

William Tell Meets Braveheart

Play this game and shoot the guy everywhere except the apple. I got to level 12.

http://www.gameninja.com/games/apple-shooter.html

I actually know someone who got shot in the eye with an arrow as a kid and now has a glass eye. That is messed up. How he didn't die I have no idea.

I am running out of shit to write about that specifically pertains to chewing tobacco so this blog is officially not about quitting tobacco anymore.

Redneck Resistance

If I didn't chew this weekend, then I'm money on quitting.

If you go to West Virginia, then you chew. I did it for four years there in school and everytime I came back, I would have a lip in for at least 85% of the day. This time, despite everyone chewing...literally, I even saw a chick with a hog in...no chewing took place. At this point, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm all good with the quitting and am not in danger of total relapse.

In other news, I am feeling old and pulling muscles. I am thinking of exploring some of these Asian treatments like acupuncture, rub and tug, etc. I am losing all athletic ability and need to loosen up what is left with my muscles a bit. Cool.

First Rats, Now Pigs

Swine flu is upon us. Two immediate thoughts come to mind.

1. Mexico sucks. They are a bad neighbor.
2. Welcome to the Middle Ages, part deux.

Let me explain. Well part one does not need explaining. If I were the typical numbnut American, I would blurt out something like, "God darn Mexican'ts. First they steal our jobs, then they infect our damn bacon." But I'm not. Moving on to point two.

If rats were the stars of the bubonic plague, then pigs won best supporting actresses. It is a little known fact that pigs also transmitted the disease, which infected those people who ate them. I'm not kidding. Also, did you know that swine flu also broke out into a worldwide epidemic in 1918? Did you know it killed 50-100 million people? That is insane!!! Why did I never learn this in grade school? I'd say that is pretty major. Actually, I think it was more of an Avian flu that killed swine and humans, but still! Shit I think back in year 200 something there was also another swine disease. Of course, back then a cold would kill you.

World Health Organization is about to categorize it as a pandemic. When will escaping to space be an option? If I was dying of swine flu, would I dip. You bet your ass I would.

By the way, Miss Piggy is annoying and fat.

Missing Author Found

I'm back from the depths of corporate America. So busy I couldn't even celebrate a milestone, let alone recognize it on the day.

So with that, we celebrate 100 days of not using chewing tobacco. To memorialize, let's look at the number 100 and it's significance.

* Best piece of US currency around, but the hardest to break.
* In the year 100 AD Buddhist texts were translated into Chinese. Cool.
* 10^2
* 100 degrees celcius is the boiling point of water. Hot.
* For every 100 US adults, one is behind bars. Crazy.
* 100 raging tigers are more dangerous than one.
* Wilt Chamberlain. Sick.
* If you are right 100% of the time, you are smart as fock.
* Atomic number of Fermium. Wtf is fermium?
* Dial 100 in India and you get the five-o
* The Hundred Years War must have sucked.

100 days

100 days. Celebrate. Everyone. Now. More later when I have a chance to breathe.

Bladder pain

In the car driving hours to the armpit state. My bladder is going to burst. It really sucks. Having to go to the bathroom can really inhibit life sometimes. Typing in the car blows.

Local Politician Discriminates Against Gay Jungle Animal

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish politician has criticized his local zoo for acquiring a "gay" elephant named Ninio who prefers male companions and will probably not procreate, local media reported Friday.

"We didn't pay 37 million zlotys ($11 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there," Michal Grzes, a conservative councilor in the city of Poznan in western Poland, was quoted as saying.

"We were supposed to have a herd, but as Ninio prefers male friends over females how will he produce offspring?" said Grzes, who is from the right-wing opposition Law and Justice party.

The head of the Poznan zoo said 10-year-old Ninio may be too young to decide whether he prefers males or females as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14.

What a very confused elephant. He's essentially like some kid in middle school who can't stop staring at weiners in the shower even though he knows it's wrong. Unlike a schoolboy though, this animal is equipped to do some damage.

In the dip department, three round of golf down, no dips, and creeping up to 100 days. Cool stuff.

Weird French Humor

I really don't know what to think about that video. French people are weird. How did she not see that creepy ass head on top of the toilet? Has to be fake. He looks like the Grim Reaper in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Anyways.

Speaking of Grim Reaper, getting older sucks. Before you know it, people working for you were in high school when you graduated college and everything in life is on a countdown timer. Buying a house, getting married, having kids. Not that I have done any of those, but it seems to be on the mind more and more. I've never been a loner, but I have always had some weird sense of independence, moving to new places and doing things myself. Looks like I will have to give at least some of that up if I really want to pursue the American dream! Speaking of which, I don't think our generation really has an American dream. The only thing we look for is fun, which I think is pretty awesome. Sure, some people take it to an extreme level and are detrimental so society, so moderation is important. But as someone told me not too long ago - everything should be done in moderation, even moderation.

Skoal Perdition Mailbag #2

I have had a nice backlog of reader email asking for another version of the mailbag, so here goes..

From Crofton, MD: Will dipping make me better at sports?
SP: Yes and no. If the sport does not require running or moving your body fast, then it will probably help. It will make you concentrate more and make you more badass than your opponent. If it is a running sport, then it will make you worse because you will get sick quickly.

From Wheeling, WV: Dear Skoal Perdition, your website is weak and so are you. Grow balls.
SP: Well that is not nice. Yes, my website is a little weak and could probably be more entertaining, but I am not jobless like yourself with all the time in the world to blog and beat it on an hourly basis. Go Mountaineers!

From Grand Rapids, MI: You are an inspiration to us all and we will erect a statue in your name.
SP: Hehe...you said erect. I have no idea who you are and how you found me, but I like you man.

Santa Monica, CA: Wait dude......U are not drinking whiskey or dipping? R U giving up on being heterosexual 2? At least wait until U have kids.....
SP: If I were to continue on this warpath, the only woman I could have kids with is the type you don't want to bring home to mom and dad. More like the one you bring to the local jail. You know how I know you're gay? You use letters and numbers in the place of actual words.

That's all for this edition. I can see that readers are more salty this time around, but nonetheless, they are readers. In the words of Jon Stewart, until next time, here is your moment of zen:

Whiskey

I have come to the conclusion that my whiskey drinking is potentially worse than my previous Skoal habit, given the fact that I cannot remember the last year's worth of weekends.

While I won't quit, I think I will switch to Vodka or something for the time being. I was thinking Grey Goose and soda water? Sounds good enough; probably less unhealthy too. So for now, I bid farewell to the regularity of Jameson, seeing that the drink itself is now formally a trait that others think of when they think of me.

Maybe time for a top five best and worst drinks I've ever had?

Top 5 Best Drinks
1. Jameson - goodbye
2. Guinness - tasty at all times. Does weird things to you the morning after though
3. Red Stripe - certainly doesn't help my dancing skills, but good nonetheless
4. Car bomb - seeing that my first two items on the list are ingredients, this must be up there as well
5. PBR - don't hate, appreciate

Top 5 Worst Drinks
1. Prairie Fire - Many variations, but the one that hurt me most consisted of grain alcohol, tabasco, and pepper. Also awful with 151....
2. Natural Ice - Brutal taste, no satisfaction in drinking this beer
3. Cement Mixer - two words: Curdled Milk
4. Moonshine - no idea how I ever stomached West Virginia moonshine regularly in college
5. Cuervo - used to love it, but my taste buds now reject it

Space Dip

Space shuttle Discovery and its crew landed at 3:14 p.m. EDT Saturday at NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Florida, completing a 13-day journey of more than 5.3 million miles....(more)

Is it bad that I immediately associate a space shuttle landing with a catastrophic disaster? Well either way, a successful landing is good for mankind and space travel.

I see space as this big void that has not been deflowered by the human race yet. There have been no murders in space, no stealing in space, etc etc etc. I doubt that astronauts have smoked cigarettes in space due to the fact that it would probably f*ck up their air filtration system or something. Dipping would be a disaster in space with no gravity. Can you imagine your spitter emptying out into the air and contaminating everything in sight? Possibly the worst thing ever. I do bet that an astronaut has beat it in space though. Wouldn't you? What a great story to tell your friends.

This is actually interesting and quasi-perverted:

Which raises the question: Would space sex be any good? Recent research suggests it would not. For one thing, zero gravity can induce nausea—a less-than-promising sign for would-be lovers. Astronauts also perspire a lot in flight, meaning sex without gravity would likely be hot, wet, and surrounded by small droplets of sweat. In addition, people normally experience lower blood pressure in space, which means reduced blood flow, which means … well, you know what that means....more

Fit vs Fat

Age combined with metabolism sucks. I am pretty sure my metabolism is growing exponentially while my age is linear...not grossly out of shape by any means as I'm still active, but I'm afraid the phrase "defined abs" is now dead to me. That is, unless you want to utilize the simile "like a bowler's abs" to define them as my friends so kindly do on a regular basis.

I really used to think that tobacco suppressed your appetite or had some kind of offsetting, non-negative quality as it deterred you from chowing down whatever garbage might be in front of you. Looking back, that is really not the case obviously. Sorry, had to tie chew into this posting somehow...

I play in a men's soccer league and running sprints at practice is nothing like it used to be. My legs are jello after a few runs, and my lower back feels like someone hit me with a pickup truck. I am going to try to drop 10 lbs this month somehow, but not in a model, splurge and purge, starve yourself way. Maybe better eating and tons of exercise? I'll try, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

I think the big problem is beer.

Worst idea ever - Work

It seems that there was debate in the 1930's as to what a work week should be defined as. The original plan was to go with a 32 hour work week (four days), but instead it was decided to go with a 40 hour work week since most other developed countries did. Awful decision. I really feel for those who have children in all of this. Work five days, spend quality time with your kids for two days. Maybe less because you have to mow the lawn or do man stuff. I am sure that some people would kill for five day work weeks, like small business owners. Fock! Really preaching to the choir here.

I used to think that making it big time happened one of three ways (excluding the lottery)

1. Some great invention (silent velcro maybe?)
2. Pro athlete (dream over many many years ago)
3. Work yer ass off for 20 years and become the top dawg at a place of business

One and two are awesome. Three is looking like the only way out. So sad. Once again, the choir...

I still have hope for an invention. Possibly the worst invention yet? Helicopter ejection seat! It blows up the blades and sends the pilot flying through the air unharmed. Foolproof, right? Check it out

Shitty ejection seat aside (which I am thoroughly disappointed they didn't show), this thing is pretty badass.

Student suspended for passing gas on bus

LAKELAND, Fla. - An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas.

The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus on March 16 to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day....(more)

Difficult to breathe. Oh man, that is so great to read.....and the kid denied it! If you get in trouble for it, you may as well own up to it. It would make for a great story in college or after.

Farting is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is so satisfying to bore a hole in your underpants when you wake up in the morning. On the other hand, that could possibly be the most awful thing in the world when you realized some chick is next to you from the night prior. Try thinking of something to say to her when that happens.

Confucius say, Man who fart in church must sit in his own pew.

Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

Web theft

Having no internet really blows. I've been jacking other people's wireless connections for years now and it looks like my luck has finally run out. I will now be forced to pay 62 bucks a month...bummer.

I went on this website that smokeless tobacco visitors frequently visit and hit up one of their chatrooms to see what kind of heads I was dealing with. Pretty intense. They have a daily roll call on their message board that they post on every single day. They must be taking this harder than I am. I just whipped off seven straight hours of studying and did not even think of packing a lipper. Given that I am running out of tobacco related material to write about, I may have to change the direction of this blog soon so I can write about other stuff. Otherwise it is going to suck even worse than it does currently.

I'm a little disappointed with this year's March Madness. We only have one real upset in Cleveland State of Wake Forest. Pretty sure we all had the foresight to know that WKU would pick off Illinois, so I don't count that one. Same with Zona. Any team that has made the tourney a quarter century in a row should be expected to win their first round game, no matter what seed they are. Poor Utah really got hosed on that matchup. My Maryland team lost. I didn't really expect anything different against Memphis, but they could have put up a better fight at least. Pretty sure Greivis Vasquez must know he is a donkey for talking smack before the game. What an idiot. He single handely saves the season and then tears it to shreds once they are in a good spot. At least we have some strong matchups to look forward to in the later rounds; no cinderella stories this year though.

Peas and carrots. +

Best day of the year

Today is better than Christmas and my birthday combined. Day one (not counting the play-in game) of March Madness. Sixteen games today and sixteen more tomorrow. Perusing internet scoreboards like mad and checking your brackets. Too bad I had to work all day and miss the fun.

I wonder what kind of efficiencies companies lose on the first couple days of March Madness with 90% of their staff paying more attention to the Yahoo scoreboard?

I would have to say I am quite happy with the Maryland win and really do think they have a chance to get by Memphis.

If not, then I will sink into depression for 12-15 hours and dream of the possibilities of an inconsistent season next year....


I did play golf actually last weekend. Not much to report on the dip front. No seizures, shakes, killings, bad reactions at all. Of course, no one around me was doing it. Not like I am looking for any excitement on that front, but it would be nice to have something else to write about.

Catcher wearing mouthpiece to relax jaw, prevent habit's return

Russell Martin isn't champing at the bit. He's champing at his new mouthpiece.

With the circus surrounding Manny Ramirez's scheduled -- but scratched -- first game, Martin flew back from his World Baseball Classic engagement for Team Canada under the radar and jumped right back into the lineup for Thursday's exhibition against Team Korea.

Martin went 0-for-2 and scored a run in the game, his first with the specially fitted mouthpiece he hopes will serve a dual purpose -- to help him quit using smokeless tobacco and to relax his jaw.....(more)

This reeks of desperation Russell. You are really searching for answers. I can't even imagine being in the major leagues and quitting baseball. You may as well quit baseball all together.

Let us take a moment and pay tribute to a real ballplayer:



In other news, I had off work today and watched ESPN First Take. Skip Bayless is a major d-bag. He went on a five minute rant about how much soccer sucks and nearly put me in cardiac arrest with his dumbass comments.

You took my eight....

That is what some jackass Indian dude said to me on the blackjack table after I hit on fourteen and busted. I didn't really mind until he looked at me and said it again and then I proceeded to ask him who he was (that is the G-rated version of my conversation). To be honest, unless I am playing at a table with my buddies, I don't really care how the other players fare. Maybe that is bad etiquette, but I am certainly not going to help some dude who is acting like a dick.

The most important part of the bachelor party weekend (not my bachelor party) was that among masses of dudes dipping, I did not take part. Tins everywhere staring me in the face, but no problems at all.

“People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates - hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar.”

Very true. I also note that no matter what, one of your buddies will bitch about how they lost so much money and that they feel nauseous about it. Granted you should expect that going into a casino, you will probably drop some serious cash. Still though, losing dough is no fun. Good thing I walked out with a nice payoff!

March Madness

If there was one sporting extravaganza that promoted blowing through multiple tins of chew, then it would be March Madness. There are so many games and it is extremely stressful if your favorite team is constantly on the bubble year after year. That would be the Maryland Terrapins, undoubtedly the most frustrating team to be a fan of since 2002. Ever since that year when they won it all, they have languished just above mediocrity, making the tourney only once in the last four years.

They are playing Wake Forest right now, a game that they can't lose if they want to be a part of March Madness. If I hadn't quit chewing, then I would have gone through a tin in just the first half.

Speaking of sports, golf season will be here once a few more degrees are added to the thermometer. That will truly be a big challenge to continue to stay tobacco free, but I think I'll be ok. Well actually, maybe it will be harder than I am thinking, seeing that I am incredibly average on the course, which typically leads to more than a few angry moments. Hopefully I don't start smoking crack on the course to cope. I'll bring you through a typical hole so you can see what I'll be dealing with:

Tee shot. Pull three wood out of bag know that if I hit driver, I will slice it into the woods. Proceed to slice three wood into the woods.

Walk to woods cursing. Miraculously find ball and decide to punch out into fairway. Punch over fairway into rough.

Third shot, about 210 yards from the green. Four iron. Catch it thin and slice it into woods. Walk to woods cursing.

Able to pitch onto the green, but can't get within thirty feet of the hole.

Three putt. Triple bogey. I will then think to myself, "F my life dude. Maybe I should throw a dip in. All my buddies are doing it. Maybe it will curb my anger. No wait, can't do that. You quit remember? Your blog would be obsolete if you put a dip in. Shit, you're right dude."

Repeat above process for eighteen holes. Whoa, maybe this will suck!

Ex-prison guard sentenced for selling smokeless tobacco to inmate

CLARKSBURG, W.Va. -- A former guard who sold smokeless tobacco to an inmate at a federal prison in Preston County has been sentenced to five months in prison.

U.S. Attorney Sharon Potter says 34-year-old Robert D. Snyder of Oakland, Md., will spend five months on home detention and three years on supervised release after he is released from prison.

Snyder pleaded guilty in October to one count of bribery. He admitted he accepted cash from an inmate in exchange for the contraband.

U.S. District Judge Irene M. Keeley sentenced Snyder on Tuesday. (article)

I guess I had the wrong idea about prison. Especially prisons in West Virginia. Don't people shank each other, sell all kinds of goods, and get away with it in prison? Something seems a bit fishy here given how minor of an offense this is. Old Bob Snyder must have been a real prick for someone to want to punish him on this one.

Drive-by Spittings

Has it ever happened that you are standing or walking on the road and all of a sudden a splash of saliva has hit you? If it has, then you can proudly say you are in India.

Reckless spitting in public places is a very common practice in India. A large section of the population is addicted to chewing tobacco and paan and the affliction is more acute in the Northeast. There is no problem in people chewing betelnuts, locally known as tamul. It is the associated spitting in public with gay abandon that raises a question of hygiene....more

I have learned a couple things from this article. First, these callous, free-spitting Indians need their asses kicked. I can't even imagine getting spit on by some Indian dude with a hog in his mouth. I would flip out. Do these spitters apologize to their victims? Since this article does not mention these spitters getting punched in the head, I am going to assume that Indians are also passive and far too diplomatic. Maybe it is seen as an inconvenience to get spit on rather than a means for giving someone the Waterboy treatment through a wall.

Second, I believe we just located the worst job on Earth. He who cleans ye public spitoons has poor workforce skills and thus must settle for emptying gobs of thick, brown awfulness.

Skoal Perdition Mailbag

As you can tell, sometimes there is just nothing to write about when you have a blog solely dedicated to one thing that is really not that interesting to most people. For this reason, I have decided to take a few questions from my readers to get everyone involved in the quitting process that has been NFP up til now.

Reader 1 (Pittsburgh, PA) - Is it normal for Skoal to make you nauseous?

S.P. - Yes, it is absolutely normal. I went through this thing in college where I would get sick every time I put a dip in after I ate. If you get hammered, then dip will give you the spins and you will vomit on your floor. I also did that (after eating two packs of ramen noodles).

Reader 2 (Lancaster, PA) - What do you think is better: Getting a professional massage or throwing in a lip and taking a dump?

S.P. - I've never been a big fan of massages. Not the legal kind anyway. Assuming that you are speaking of a legal massage, I will choose the dump any day. For you readers who are not tobacco educated, dip is as powerful as four coffees, a liter of prune juice, and ex lax all packed into one little tin. Therefore, it is not so much the will to dump, but more the relief after the dip induces you to nearly incinerate your underwear.

Reader 3 (Tampa, FL) - I bought my grandmother a tin of Skoal for her birthday and I think she is mad at me? What is her deal?

S.P. - I really don't think that was a very thoughtful present. Really, what were you thinking? She's your grandmother dude. Grandmothers don't typically dip right?

Reader 4 (Boston, MA) - What is your problem...we used to dip together all the time and now you have quit? You are a lameass dude.

S.P. - Thank you for the support. I am going to pour a tin down your throat when you pass out this weekend.

Well that is all today. If you have something for the Skoal Perdition mailbag, I'd be glad to answer it.

Wanna drink some blood....err have a dip?

So apparently the word Skoal comes from Norway and loosely translates to drinking from the skulls of defeated enemies and toasting your friends. It also originates from the English word skull.

Besides being the name of a product that most likely will have caused me massive unforeseen health problems, nowadays it also translates roughly to cheers, as in toasting someone. I wonder if Zane Lamprey from Three Sheets will use this if he does a show in Norway. Most likely.

If you were to look up the word dip, the definition makes a dipper sound more comparable to a heroin addict:

To consume snuff by placing a pinch behind the lip or under the tongue so that the active chemical constituents of the snuff may be absorbed into the system for their narcotic effect.

Somehow, reading that does remind me of what it is like to throw a hog in though. Powerful verbiage right there.

This dude is laughing death in the face

Well, he isn't laughing actually. He looks so serious that I can't even picture him laughing. I can picture him puking though. Maybe worse - the gag reflex dip swallow. Gross.

50 Days

I have officially made it 50 whole days. That is awesome and surprising considering how addicted I was. Still no cravings. I'd have to think that at this point, I really won't be getting them. Given the awfulness of the last two months, if I didn't break down then, then it is going to take something real bad for me to relapse.

Speaking of relapsing, one of the hosts of the show Intervention just relapsed. I wonder if they'll do an episode of him?

In honor of day fifty, here are some of the better (and worse) things that we can liken to the nice round number:

1. 50 cent. Curtis Jackson is no doubt a thug, but I don't mind him. Granted if I one day have a daughter, I will lay down the "Stay the hell away from 50 cent rule", but other than that, I find him amusing. My buddy gave him his first Vitamin Water. Soon afterwards, he bought a big portion of the company. No joke.

2. The United States. We have 50 states, unless you do not want to recognize some of the less relevant ones. Texas, Jersey, middle America, etc.

3. Michael Jackson. He is currently fifty and just as freaky looking as he's ever been. Still though, his old jams were the tits.

4. 50 is the atomic number of tin. Awesome.

5. There is a cool Canadian beer named 50 Ale. Labatt brews it. Labatt is quality.

6. In 50 AD, the Romans learned about the use of soap. This leads me to believe that at any point in time before this, Rome smelled like garbage.

7. The moon is 50 times smaller than Earth. You can probably jump 50 times higher on it too?

8. Probably the oldest chick I'd consider hanging up. She would have to be a major hottie with minimal gravity damage though.

9. The word INFINITY - its letters add up to 50: 9+5+6+9+5+9+2+5. An infinite characteristic of a finite number. Think about that and your brain will explode.

10. Drinks I had this weekend. My liver is now working at a 50% capacity.

Josh Hamilton Quits Chewing Tobacco

The familiar circular imprint in Josh Hamilton's back pocket is gone.

Hamilton, who has successfully waged a holy war against crack, cocaine and alcohol since October 2005, has quit using smokeless tobacco.

"I started doing it when I started doing everything else," Hamilton said the other day.

Hamilton knew he'd eventually quit when his daughter Julia, 7, started regularly asking him to do it about a year ago.

"You know it's bad when your 3-year-old holds up a water bottle, and asks if daddy spit in this before she drinks out of it," said Hamilton, referring to his daughter Sierra. "That's when you know it's a problem." (more here)

Christ, this guy is amazing. Let's look at his timeline:

High School - National Baseball Player of the Year
College - Fuck college. Too good at baseball.
MLB draft - 1st pick in 1999
Minor Leagues - Tearing it up
Minor Leagues continued - Finds out what crack and cocaine are.
Next few years - Likes crack and cocaine alot. No more baseball.
Fast forward to 2006 - Selected in the ever-obscure Rule 5 draft and ends up in Cincy, quits crack, cocaine, weed, alcohol, and whatever else he did
Cincinnati Reds in 2007 - becomes a badass rookie and hits 19 home runs (still no drugs)
Texas Rangers in 2008 - hits .304 with 32 dingers and 130 RBI. Destroys home run derby record and is an All-Star starter. Redonkulious.
This week - quits dip.

If this guy can quit coke, crack, weed, alcohol, pills, and dip, then I hope I can keep on the no-chew wagon.

On a side note, I really hope this guy never did steroids. He is too good of a story.

Shell Shocked

http://espn.go.com/ncb/recap?gameId=290520120

Eat it Heels!

Wyoming will tax your ass

CHEYENNE -- Amid some ruffled feathers and hurt feelings, the Senate Wednesday passed a bill on final reading that would overhaul the state tax on moist smokeless chewing tobacco.

House Bill 67 would impose a weight-based tax on moist chewing tobacco -- also known as "dip" -- instead of the current "ad valorem" tax based on purchase price.

The result would be a tax of 60 cents per ounce on moist tobacco products, instead of the current 20 percent tax on product price. In simple terms, that means the tax on a 1-ounce can of dip priced at $1 would rise from 20 cents to 60 cents, while the tax on a $3 can of equal weight would remain at about 60 cents. more

How much can a tin really cost in Wyoming anyways? A buck? I know in West Virgina, they were basically giving it away to people. Granted it was not Skoal, but it still served its purpose. It really wouldn't matter up here in New England since Skoal is eight bucks in some places....

Chewing tobacco bad for your record as well

"As it happens, police had been trailing a man, 28-year-old Anthony Curcio, for some time. Without his knowledge, they snagged a sample of his DNA from a container he’d been using as a spittoon for his chewing tobacco. The DNA matched the sample from the discarded mask, and police arrested Curcio last week in a department-store parking lot. He is now in custody in Snohomish County, Wash." Read the rest

Crazy shit. Some guy robs a bank and gets nabbed because of a renegade spitter! I wonder if it was a Poland Springs bottle? That truly sucks for him. I wonder if he'll quit.

I had this crazy dream one time that I knocked over a spitter on my desk at work and it somehow was this never ending flood, covering my desk and floor totally in sludge. Like a budget scary movie.

Thirty eight days in the books - chew free.

One Month Down, A Lifetime To Go

Amid my drone-like week, I failed to recognize that February 11th represented a full month without dip. That is pretty much the longest, by far, that I have gone without a dip for at least a couple of years.

Read this: http://www.elmendorf.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123134916

Kind of funny how they use images of children to make you feel guilty. Pretty sure that would never work on me from a tobacco perspective, but I'm sure it does the trick on some people. For those who like interactive features, it may be useful for quitting. Pretty sure the DOD could make better use of their time though.

For those of you with out V-day honeys, best of luck scavenging the bars tonight to find that special someone. Be sure your beer goggles aren't too thick.

Philip Morris Int'l to enter smokeless market

Philip Morris International, which sells Marlboro cigarettes outside the U.S., said Tuesday it plans to bring smokeless tobacco products to markets around the world through a new joint venture.

This is scary.

What if chew was as rampantly advertised and used as cigarettes? This would mean that it was finally deemed socially acceptable. If it was socially acceptable, then our general notion of good hygiene would be diminished. If we had bad hygiene, then we would be British. If we were British, then our American democracy would cease to exist. If we had no democracy, then we would also be Russian. If we were Russian, then we would be very respectable gymnasts.

So what does this all mean? Well, I am not sure, but it certainly is not an improvement to our current society.

In other news, I have been on a hot betting streak today. I don't bet regularly, but once in a while it is acceptable. I had about 35 bucks when I woke up and after a series of college basketball wins, I was up to about 180. Should have stopped there. But no, what do I do? I bet on Boise St/Fresno St basketball. First of all, I know nothing about these two teams. All I know is that Fresno has one conference win and scored 10 points in the first half last game. The line? Boise St (2nd in WAC) by one. As I sang and proclaimed "Free Money!!!", I put all 180 on the game. Even better is that I found a webcast of the game. Everything was cool until Fresno ran out to a 14 point lead in the first nine minutes and putting on a dunking clinic. WTF?!

Til next time.

Dreams

I had a dream last night in the following sequence:

1. I woke up at 6 am and decided to get a "few more minutes of sleep"
2. I then woke up at 10:15 am and realized I was two hours late to work
3. I jumped on a conference call we were to have and sounded like Buffalo Bill
4. I freaked out and hung up and ran to work
5. I got to work at 11:26 (somehow it took an hour to walk 12 minutes)
6. A bunch of people came to my desk and bombarded me right away, further freaking me out
7. A tin of Skoal appeared on my desk, begging me to have a dip and return to normalcy.
8. I let out a battle cry that would have made Braveheart proud and spiked it into the trash can

Two things of note:
1. I need a vacation.
2. Even my subconscious has quit dipping. Boo ya!

Addiction Omission

This is weird. I don't have any urge to chew at all. Not even a little bit. This is probably one of the most stressful month's I have ever endured and I have not wanted to even touch it. That last post was BS because if I really wanted one then it would have been a much worse reaction than that I am sure.

Maybe something is wrong that I have no urge; hopefully I am not dying. I doubt that is the case. It really might just be that I am so mentally and physically worn out, that I don't have the energy to feel withdrawn. Good and bad?

On another note, I may as well talk about other topics here. Regurgitating the same stuff about dipping is due to get old and soon.

How about Michael Phelps? The guy gets caught taking bong hits and there really isn't much of a reaction. I am against the notion that a professional athlete should be a role model. Yes, they should be morally acceptable in their decisions, but they don't have to be saints. Put it this way - dope or no dope, I am sure Michael Phelps is still a good guy who would bend over backwards to help someone. So what if he got stoned? If it were a hard drug, then yes my opinion might be slightly altered. I guess that is the difference in the public eye; the fine line is even finer the bigger you are. Believe me, I'll take a pothead who trained his ass off, completed a sports miracle, and met lofty goals any day. Boo Yah!

thursday night

Ahhhhhhhh....I am at a bar and want a dip! Not going to happen but pray for mojo!

Successful Weekend

I had a couple of fears which I dominated this weekend:

1. Schoolwork. The master's program is back in full swing and I left myself to study and do homework all on Sunday in my usual procrastinating fashion. I spent about four hours on my arse doing so and did not even have the urge to dip. That is huge.

2. Getting hammered. I took getting hammered to a new level on Saturday as I was part of a bar crawl. Non-stop bodily destruction from noon to two in the morning. I started with a dozen Guinnesses and then moved on to all the Jameson in sight. It is a wonder that one of the three cab drivers I verbally assaulted did not run me over...either way, I once again didn't shamelessy buy a tin or even think about dipping.

Lots of progress, no doubt.

Withdrawal

I have a raging headache and withdrawal has officially started. Not even five cups of the strongest black coffee can handle this one. It was bound to happen; I am not that invincible.

Between the sunflower seeds, occasional cigarette, gallons of coffee per day, and excessive drinking, I figured I could offset it. Time to rejiggle my formula I suppose. Maybe it is the fact that I go to bed at three in the morning every single night.

I have recently started exercising alot more, so hopefully that will help negate alot of the above. Weirdly enough, my urge to chew has not been very great. I have narrowed it down to two scenarios when I most want to chew:

1) When I am angry. Not stressed, but angry...which is pretty often in the workplace.

2) When I am hammered. Not too hammered because I know I would get a case of the spins though and throw up.

Once golf season comes around, that will get bumped up to the top of the list because,

a) I get angry because I suck
b) I get hammered on the course
c) Being outdoors makes me want to chew
d) All my friends will be chewing (yes this is a weak reason, I know, shutup)

Time for the next chew-free weekend in T minus three hours!

Eleven Days.....

With no Seven Eleven tin stops.....

Honestly, things could be worse right now. I don't have much of an urge to pack a lip. Obviously, things might be tougher when I get hammered this weekend, but we'll see. I have strict orders to my buddies that they are not to peer pressure me or let me use chewing tobacco.

I was looking at dipping websites and they are some ridiculously stupid ones out there. The sad thing is that I know all of these tricks they speak of and became the master of them years ago. For example:

Move 'em around - No matter how much you hate it, learn to dip in more than just your main spot. Most dippers place their phatty about a half inch to the right or left of the center of their bottom teeth. After a year or so of dipping in the same spot you will notice that you get sores, and have a lower gum line than you used to. Learn to dip in your upper lip, and back by your mollers. I usually dip by my back teeth now because of he damage I have received from years of dipping in the same spot. Also, try to remember to alternate sides of your mouth when you dip or chew. This helps in the healing process.

Learn how to eat and drink while dipping - Learning to drink while dipping is quite simple actually. Just tighten your lip over your dip and let the beer, pop, water, etc. go over your lip and you'll have it down. Eating is another story. All I can really say about this is that it's like juggling. You have to make sure that the two items (Dip and Food) are in their own respective areas of your mouth. You have to teach your dip to share with the second most important thing to you, your food.

Pretty dumb, but that's reality for a dipper I suppose.

Replacement Habits

I realized over the last couple days that I most likely have an addictive behavior and will replace my chewing habit with something else that will have a vice-like grip on me. I think I will catch myself now before I become an alcoholic (as I type with a Guinness in front of me). But whatever, I had a shitty day and need to unwind. Well shitty from my perspective I suppose. Maybe another word like annoying or inconvenient would do more justice for those who are truly having shitty days.

Top three moments I wanted to inject Skoal into my bloodstream today:

3. Annoying dude at work driving me crazy while my computer froze over and over and over. Office Space, kill me.

2. Couldn't watch the inauguration. I even brought a radio to work that had one volume - incredibly and annoyingly loud. Seeing that I couldn't use that, I turned to the trusty world wide web, which had more congestive traffic than, well, DC itself today. Speaking to this point, I am actually very excited for this inauguration. I know there are some Obama-haters or some that think he is the messiah, but I really like this guy. He is inspiring and we need a whole lot of that right now to rally around. Let's just hope he doesn't turn out to be in over his head. We don't need another buttplug to lead the free world.

1. School started. Studying - Dip = Worse than attention deficit disorder. Don't think that formula is going to get me an A in Quant class.

qed (math joke)

Life Sentence

Question. If I kill someone at work and thus face a life sentence in jail, is it OK to throw a dip in? It is like this person is testing me on purpose to see if my brain will explode. No joke. I see red right now. Lots of burning red. And we are not talking Red Man.

I will refrain, but this is the worst moment thus far in my quitting crusade.

I need a punching bag or a bench press. Although I don't know how much anger I could possibly let out by bench pressing a whopping 150 lbs (or less).

High stress no Skoal

Well amid the emotions and stress of hanging out in a hospital for days, still no dip for this guy. I haven't even really had the urge to, which I find very strange. I guess that once you change your routine up, you no longer feel the need to engage in the unhealthy activities associated with that routine. That's the best explanation I have at this point. Six days in and off to the best start yet. Good times.

No Long Distance Dipping

Well, I had a dip.

A dip of beef jerky!

Don't worry, no meltdowns. Pretty impressive given that I drove 421 miles (with intermittent traffic). I honestly really only thought about tossing one in once or twice, but never got to the point where I pulled over and sat in a 7-11 parking space mulling over my will power. I actually probably think that speed bagging myself in the face would have been much more satisfying given the traffic on the GW Bridge and Jersey Turnpike.

Even more impressive since this has been the week of bad news.

My brother brought up a good point - "Since you quit dipping the world is falling apart." Shortly before he wrote that I found out that the ex girlfriend was officially back on the market (sans this guy) and that a family member was very ill.

Bush league way to start the week.

But in all seriousness, keep point #2 in your thoughts. Point #1 can give me an OPHJ a million times over.

Day One

Nothing yet. Not sure why I expected some sort of adverse reaction. I think I built it up so much that I am anxious to see what sort of junkie reflex I displayed. Maybe we'll give it a few days.

This has been somewhat of a shitty day though. I guess you could classify every Monday as that way though.

So far, my substitute addiction is coffee. Four cups today already. Does this mean that I will have to go through this quitting process with coffee one day? I hope not. I might as well stop drinking coffee now if that is the case to avoid starting a new blog later in life. Wonder what I would call that?

The Last Stop

Well this is it. Once I take this hog out, I'm done. No ifs, ands, or buts. Time to move on. I don't really know what to think right now as it is hard to think about withdrawal when you have half a tin in your lip. How about my top five dipping scenarios?

5. Watching TV. Nothing adds to your favorite program like a dip and a bottle in hand.

4. Dipping at work. This one worries me the most I think. How many times have I tried to cut back, only to get so pissed at work that I march to 7-11 and buy a tin of sweet anger reduction? I'll probably be chewing alot of gum now.

3. Doing homework. I actually found that this pairing, as great as it was, actually inhibited my attention span to what I was reading. Read three sentences...grab bottle...spit...put bottle down...find my place in the book...probably reread what I just read...repeat. Maybe I will be more efficient with homework now?

2. Golf. What a great pairing, no spitter needed. I think I felt guilty about spitting on the green one time but got over it. Running over to the rough gets old. The last time I forgot to bring a tin to the course, I asked a group of guys in front of us if I could "bum a rub". Astonishingly, one guy had a tin of mint Skoal. He watched in horror as I took out a pinch bigger than a golf ball and threw it in my mouth. He hated me, no doubt.

1. Video games. Amazing partnership. Nothing beats crushing Tiger Woods with a hog in. For hours and hours. This may actually be the hardest (I take back the work comment). Since my game with the ladies more resembles a jerkoff car salesman making his best pitch, my after bar activity usually includes beating the shit out of my buddies in Tiger and FIFA (sorry JBC but it is the truth). That said, I am usually hammered out of my gord with very little will power. God speed.

Oral Terrorism Part Deux

I've definitely been getting my fill this week already, gearing up for the defining moment. Two tins in a matter of three days is not too shabby. That doesn't include the tin of pouches I have hidden under my phone.

Classes start up again in two weeks, so that should be devastatingly awful, trying to study while dealing with a missing oral fixation. But, alas, I have used that excuse before and refuse to do it again, no matter the stress level or distraction.

I have tried the tobacco-free chew before, but that stuff isn't even worth it. Not even the same texture. I think I rolled coffee grinds into a piece of coffee filter last time I tried to quit and chewed that. It actually wasn't terrible....if you don't mind brown teeth. Thirty minutes later of brushing deterred me from using that approach again....

Last Week of Oral Terrorism

I can't promise that it will be forever, but I will be having my last dip as a tobacco addict on Sunday, January 11, 2009. Not sure what I will be doing at that moment in time, but it better be awesome.

Ten years ago, I started the worst habit known to human existence. Skoal has been the ultimate friend, with me through thick and thin, but it is time to break up with this adopted brother of mine and move on.

For those of you that dip, you know it is not disgusting. There is nothing better than throwing in a hog, whether its in front of the t.v., on the golf course, on a long car ride. Shit....the scenarios are endless.

Once I throw in that last beast of a feast, I will be documenting my long hard road of quitting. Sitting at work all pissed off needing a dip, in the car pulling my hair out, on the couch watching my friends fill up Poland Springs bottles and have the times of their lives. Let the week of binging begin.